To Dan Knowlton, his Cabbage Patch Kids are his children. "They're easier to cope with." True -- they never grow or die or have to maintain necessary life functions, but that doesn't mean you need 600 of them. 

Knowlton lives in an apartment in Southampton, England, and is a part-time catering manager. We assume he spends most of the rest of his time cleaning up after his dolls. Even if they are less of a hassle than real children, once you get over 600 of something (he stopped counting five years ago when he reached that number), that's a lot of dusting and cleaning and changing to do.

It sort of makes sense for somebody to relate so strongly to their Cabbage Patch Kid; after all, they aren't made -- they're born. Each one is birthed by Mother Cabbage underneath the Magic Crystal Tree at Babyland General Hospital in Georgia. And there are "nurses" who deliver them from a hill covered in cabbages with doll's heads growing out of them in front of crowds of spectators. We can only wish we made this up:

Then you get to walk around a room full of cribs and pick which baby you adopt. Yeah, so it's a little bit different (read: crazier) than your average toy, but still doesn't explain this:

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Shudder. They're...staring...right...into...our...soul.