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Man Arrested for Killing Knuckle Children in Neighbor’s Homes

Antone Owens
Lane County Sheriff's Department

In a strange case of jerking and entering, an Oregon man was arrested earlier this week for allegedly breaking into people’s homes and wrestling the old bald headed champ while watching porn on their personal computers.

Not only that, but apparently this twisted little monkey-spanking fiend wasn’t even considerate enough to clean up after himself – leaving behind lube and spooge rags in some of the homes that he violated, according to the Eugene Police Department.

An investigation into these alleged “crimes of whackin’” began in the fall of 2011, when one resident claimed that not only had someone broken into their home and helped himself to a computer porn buffet, but also at one point the homeowner’s son actually woke up and found the thief conducting masturbatory rituals in his bedroom.

According to police, the culprit is 21-year-old Antone Forrest Deedward Owens (ridiculous name, btw), and they say that not only is he a gutsy little pervert without his own internet connection, but on more than one occasion he has threatened physical violence and even murder after being caught “rosy palmed and white handed” by the occupants of his whack shacks. Wow – and we thought beating your meat would prevent beatdowns of others.

Owens was charged with burglary, menacing and coercion as the result of a police investigation, which will likely land him in prison, as there appears to be no lack of DNA evidence to link him to the crimes.

GUY ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE JUNK DURING GUN PURCHASE

 

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