The cruise vacation industry hasn’t exactly had the most stellar year. Thanks to the recent sinking of the Costa Concordia, vacationers are fleeing from cruises like a rat diving off a sinking ship (but enough about the captain).

The trick to giving yourself any good vacation is knowing what you’re getting into, so if any of these tell-tale signs pop-up, then it’s time to abandon ship.

1. The travel agent raves about the ship’s luxurious life jackets and lifeboats.

2. The captain asks if you can play shuffleboard on the other side of the ship “for ballast.”

3. The engine room says it lost power because one of the oarsmen took a smoke break.

4. The captain keeps getting on the intercom and screaming, “Iceberg! Ha ha, made you look!”

5. The crew asks some of the heavier guests to either lay off the shrimp or not stand on either side of the ship.

6. The ship’s captain lets one of his kids sit on his lap and steer.

7. The captain orders an immediate evacuation because the Alaskan buffet ran out of crab legs.

8. The security guards seem way too excited to be in international waters.

9. The ship’s swimming pool is just a giant hole in the bottom that the crew insists “will fill up when we put it in the water.”

10. The scenery from your room’s porthole hasn’t included water in almost three days.